


sad!

by dreamlaundromat (blue_polaroid)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Based on True Events, Break Up, Diary/Journal, Heartache, Heartbreak, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Original Character(s), i literally just pulled this out my ass, im sad and i miss her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_polaroid/pseuds/dreamlaundromat
Summary: i miss her.





	sad!

**Author's Note:**

> i literally pulled this out my ass in like 30 mins  
> i miss my ex and i just had to get it out of my system. sorry for the angst  
> unbeta'd  
> ive been listening to x's sad! on repeat for 3 hours someone come help me  
> i have so many emotional issues this is the only way i can stop thinking and writing is the only way i can communicate my feelings  
> my family is sending me to counselling lol i want 2 die

I fell in love with a bright eyed girl.  
She was pale and her freckles stood out like poppies in a field against her skin.  
I had only ever loved sunny eyed boys with dark hair and short girls with glass-like skin and nude lips.  
But she was everything but that.  
I refused her at first. Scared of the commitment and responsibility that came with giving myself away. Giving my body away like nothing to another human being. The imprint of lovers left on my soul wasn’t as easy to cover as graffiti in a rich city.  
We were complicated. Like a puzzle it took a genius to figure out. Like the ocean we have known for years but have barely explored.

I held her hand for the first time. We sat so close together, our legs touching even though there was plenty of space to sit.

She was weird.

Her conversational skills disjointed and awkward. Got overwhelmed easily for crowds of people making her want to squeeze my hand or squeeze into my embrace.  
But i loved her  
But i never told her.  
I took her first kiss.  
Her lips were thin but so so soft. They were a pale pink like the tips of daisies.  
I felt so bad for taking her first kiss. She deserved someone much better than me to capture her heart and tell her how much they loved her through all their small touches.

Im sorry.

Im sorry i treated you like you were only a cheap prize from a lucky dip at a christmas party. Like my least favourite candy that i would trade for anything the monday after halloween.  
Im sorry.  
You were so good, so nice to me, i never deserved you.  
I miss you, i wish i was different.  
Im like a conceited king of the jungle- except that my jungle was cut down and burnt- turned into a city. I have nothing now. I barely had anything at the beginning of time.  
I lost my only one- you whom i took for granted. Took your love and never gave back.  
I realise that now. And you are so right for leaving me. It is a decision i no longer criticise.  
At the beginning, the first two weeks. I thought i was better off without you. _You were weird anyway and ugly and inexperienced i didnt even like you in the first place you bitch i only stuck with you because i was horny and thought you would give up your body for me im better than you anyway i can get another partner in a matter of a week i dont care. _  
But that was a spiral of lies for me to ignore the whole you left in my heart. To cover up how much i hated myself because i couldnt make anyone stay.__

__Without you im like a fire without oxygen._ _

___I wish you would look at me in the hallways._  
So you can see the apologies in my eyes and i wont have to say them outloud- knowing i will fuck up again and make us even worse.  
I wish you would smile at me- i would sadly smile back. Because im not the one that makes that smile appear on your face effortlessly every day.  
Its him instead.  
The one better crafted for you. Tailored to your needs and feelings.  
Im sorry. I hope youre happy with him. 

__Sorry for being difficult._ _

**Author's Note:**

> if u made it this far tysm i love you and appreciate u so much xxxxxx  
> comment good methods of taking my mind off things and alternatives to self harm :')


End file.
